“Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold.”Proverbs 22:1 NLT
A reputation is what others think or say about you, not what you think say about yourself. We don’t choose a good reputation by carving out an enviable image for others to adore. We don’t make claims of being an expert in an area were our knowledge is floundering. We don’t promote ourselves to the masses, selling what people don’t need in the name of running a business.
Many people today choose making money by any means necessary over having a good reputation in business. There are charlatans that masquerade as ‘helping people to live their dream’ when they themselves don’t believe that they are capable of moving from their current nightmare into actually living a dream life; they have no real experience or even knowledge to share, they simply regurgitate old information that’s freely available yet pleasing to the ears of the unsuspecting. A good reputation is earned, not created. It cannot be purchased and it is not identified by how many followers you have on social media. A good reputation is what people say about you based on their experience with you. Don’t chase after riches, work towards earning a good reputation instead.
“Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold.”
If we are connected on social media, you may have seen some of my posts hashtagged #insideoutliving.
That’s my theme for this year. I have been learning all about living from the inside out. In November, I’ll be sharing my lessons at our final brunch for the year (we’re planning a summer brunch so stay tuned) but in the meantime, here’s a snippet of that hashtag.
Having answered the call in 2014/15 to live authentically, I went into 2016 with a desire to focus more on who I am on the inside, the real me, as opposed to my visible external self. Historically I have spent more time, money and energy on the physical than the soul despite knowing we are also made up of a soul and spirit and not a just body. The real you resides inside while the outside is just your physical representation. It follows then that if you desire transformation in your life, it makes sense to do it from the inside out.
I have enjoyed some truly profound lessons, some I have shared publicly, others I’ve shared with friends. It will be an honour to share these lessons with you as time goes on.
The results of living from the inside out- besides my healthy glow, (LOL) has been me living a much more meaningful life. My perspective on everything has changed and I’m enjoying a flow of calm and a contentment that in the past only showed up once in a while. I don’t do anything I don’t want to because I owe it to my beautiful self to live authentically and be who God called me to be.
Living Inside Out has even affected my business positively and for that I am thankful. I am particularly excited because I believe that we do not need gurus to instruct us on how to live, we just need to be true to ourselves. But how can you be true to yourself if you don’t know who you are? Regular practice of introspection is one of the most needed practices today. We live such reactionary lives, we react to the media, we react to public opinion, we react to celebrities and social media trends. This is living on the outside or surface living. Living on the surface denies you the joy of discovering the unique path for your life. It stops you from reaching deep down to get a hold of your gift. Inside out living means taking the road less-travelled. It means not being afraid to be different, but being confident to use your unique gift, walk your purpose and impact those that are destined to cross your life.
Beneath everything happening, beneath the surface is the real thing. We are made up of Spirit (the part that is alive and connected to God), Soul (emotions, will, imagination, desire) and Body (the physical world, your flesh). Beyond the physical, beyond the flesh is the real thing. Your spirit is connected to God, it receives instructions from The Lord. The instruction is passed on to your soul which is where the believing and the planning & imagination happens and finally, the package is given to the body to carry out the action.
Here’s what I do daily, I make every effort to live on the inside so I receive guidance from my spirit which is one with God. I try not to make emotional decisions from the soul. Emotions are fleeting and are not reliable. As for the body, it is only interested in the image perceived from the outside. Decisions led by the flesh will make you look good and feel good but it has no real substance or direction. Such decisions are not linked to your purpose.
More on that as time goes on! If you haven’t signed up to receive the Let’s Brunch newsletter, please do so by clicking the Email icon at the bottom of this post. You can also find me on Facebook, twitter & Instagram as @toksaruoture.
Thank you for reading & I look forward to connecting!
Each week I respond to the call from The Teacher to learn a new lesson. I believe we are surrounded by lessons. However, we are not always ready or willing to learn them, Consequently, the call to learn may be made several times for days or even weeks until we respond. I happen to fall into the camp of those who need to be called out to a few times before responding.
Last week’s lesson was on Pedestals. Specifically placing people on pedestals. A bit random if you ask me as most lessons tend to have a related theme and one leads to the other. For example, one week I may be learning about fear and the following week the lesson will be about self-worth. Then I’ll understand that my fear of man is borne out of not having sufficient regard for my own value.
Back to Pedestals.
I pondered on the various ways we can esteem man and what the consequences will be. Here are the conclusions I drew, in some cases you are the audience, in other cases you are the performer- you decide.
1) Man on a Pedestal.
We can’t look up to man, unless we place them on a pedestal, or we kneel in subservience. The only being above us is God. Don’t put man on a pedestal, it makes it difficult for you to be objective about their opinion. Learn to separate your love and admiration for a person from their views and opinions. There is a danger of taking on board what he or she says simply because they are who they are.
2) People place themselves on a Pedestal.
Be wary of them. If you have to build your own throne, climb onto it to crown yourself as King or queen, I don’t trust you. Sometimes people build a platform for themselves using the tools of the senses, they speak the right words (sweet to the ears, pleasant to the soul like honey) and they present the right image. They give the impression of living the lifestyle that’s desired by their audience. If you are primarily led by your senses, this category will appeal to you.
3) How about when others put you on a Pedestal?
Your throne is built by the praises of those who admire you. Be humble enough to say you haven’t earned that honour. Don’t sit on such a throne. It only takes one wrong word before you come crashing down. Ask celebrities who have had successful careers ruined by one single act or internet photo. The celebrated comedian/actor who in a fit of rage spewed out racist slurs during his sold out stand-up show- I’ve never been able to watch him on Seinfeld ever since. FYI it wasn’t Seinfeld but one of his co-actors.
This was King David’s response when The Lord Himself told him he would build a dynasty out of David’s lineage: “Then King David went in and sat before the LORD and prayed, “Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And now, O God, in addition to everything else, you speak of giving your servant a lasting dynasty! You speak as though I were someone very great, O LORD God! “What more can I say to you about the way you have honored me? You know what your servant is really like.”
1 Chronicles 17:16-18 NLT
4) You place yourself on a Pedestal.
The dangers are similar to #2 above, but there’s more. While you’re high up on your stage you will not be able to hear the call to normalcy from the grounded few who care about you. Ever met people who kick their good friends to the kerb with the boots used to climb the ladder of success? Those friends are the ones that would have warned you of your ways. Pride goes before destruction. You may be on the verge of hoisting yourself up if you crave being recognised and celebrated. If you are never satisfied with your words or your work until homage is paid to you. If you find yourself uneasy because the person next to you is celebrated more than you are, then you may be gathering the tools used build your pedestal.
5) Maya Angelou’s view on pedestals:
Maya Angelou is my favourite author, period. I’m not adopting this particular view of hers on pedestals- she had several- because I’m not on a witch hunt for those who want to ‘knock me down’; however I do heed her call to be weary of people placing us on pedestals.
These are her words:
“Sometimes people place you on a pedestal so that they can see you more clearly to knock you down.”
God on a Pedestal.
“O LORD, there is no one like you. We have never even heard of another God like you! What other nation on earth is like your people Israel? What other nation, O God, have you redeemed from slavery to be your own people? You made a great name for yourself when you redeemed your people from Egypt. You performed awesome miracles and drove out the nations that stood in their way.”
1 Chronicles 17:20-21 NLT
So there you have it, my thoughts on pedestals. I’d love to hear yours!
The beseeching not to worry. To trust God, He is delivering you. To just wait while this season comes to an end.
I read one of such exhortations today and My mind formed a picture of stagnancy, waiting on God to change the terrain we have found ourselves in. Don’t we have to walk, to move if we no longer want to remain on the same spot or be in that environment? Too often we pray for God to change the world around us instead of simply picking ourselves up and walking.
Sir Winston Churchill said of you are going through hell, don’t stand still, keep walking.
This weekend found me doing some soul searching which extended from the pages of my journal to Facebook. I asked a question- rather I shared a status update:
“I have a tendency to overthink & over plan on a new idea until I over analyse myself out of it and it never takes off. Does anyone else do this? #insideoutliving”
Thankfully it turned out I’m not alone and have some wonderful friends who shared their thoughts too. Saturday was spent thinking about and analysing the subject and by the end of the day I had clarity. I understood the process that led to my being overwhelmed in this manner, but it wasn’t until this morning I discovered the ‘why.’
I ‘compare up’ and it kills my motivation. I read a blog post by Valorie Burton that explained three motivation killers. The first one was comparing oneself to others who you perceive to be more successful. Now, I rarely compare myself to others because I have a sound understanding that we are all unique and different, we do things differently which yields varying results; rather I tend to spend time finding out why I do the things I do and that is what helps me make progress. So while this point did not directly apply to my problem, it shed some light on it. I compare up. I compare the start of my dream or goal to the end product. A bit like taking a piece of metal and planning to build a Ferari. Then you become paralysed because you cannot possibly imagine how your piece of metal will one day become one of the world’s fastest cars. I shared in my last post about perfect being the enemy of good. This still shows up for me from time to time. For instance, I read a very good novel written by a friend. I enjoyed it thoroughly and was to take a selfie and post a review. I decided that wasn’t good enough. I would blog about it instead. 3 weeks later I have no selfie, no review & no blog- because I feel a blog does it more justice. Now as I iterated, everyone is different so these solutions are based on my personality as I know it, but like my Facebook friends, you may find it applies to you too.
Here’s my way forward:
Plan. No, I’m not a natural born planner. I tend to dive in and enjoy the thrill of not knowing what comes next. One of several reasons why planning is important is that you become aware of what lies ahead- the many steps, so you are under no illusions of how it will play out. I started to implement planning in some areas of my life last year and one way to do so is to schedule time to do the planning. It’s not enough to plan while driving or while doing the dishes or watching TV. We tend to accord more importance to some things than others, for instance we’ll plan our holiday but we won’t take time to plan what a hairstyle we want to have. It then plays like a tennis game at the back of your mind- braid or weave, braid or weave?
Throw in the obstacles Of course it would be ideal if everything was smooth sailing, but we don’t live in an ideal world. We need to brainstorm obstacles and add a work around should they occur. That way there are no nasty surprises that’ll cause us to jump ship halfway into the project.
Celebrate your Milestones. I’ve heard this often but until you know where the milestones are you will not have much to celebrate. Picture the journey as a long drive on the motorway with service stations. The service stations are your milestones where you get refreshed. If you never even planned your journey you’ll not get there. You’ll be busy driving around in circles in town, busy and apparently working towards something- just not your goals.
Be Present in the Moment. Another expression of our time that only started to mean much to me recently. My tendency stemmed from being so obsessed with the end that I saw the middle as a chore. I was in a race with only one thing in mind- to finish. I did not care about the steps, I enjoy starting, I love finishing, but that middle bit is a drag. Being present in the moment requires us to change our thinking, that each step is meaningful and just as important as the first and the final. We are to accord the same honour to each of our steps, and not call one more important than theother. At the beginning of the project make a pact to celebrate every single step; to treat each one as wholly important, because without it you can’t get to the end.
Be Kind to Yourself. Someone said we treat others better than we treat ourselves. We don’t yell and berate people who make a mistake but we do it to ourselves. My theme this year is inside out living, I’ll share more on that soon. In a nutshell my focus is more on my inside than my outside. I believe that if the inside, the soul is thriving, so will the body. Being kind to ourselves mean being patient, forgiving, loving and nurturing of oneself.
I hope this has shed some light on a similar issue you may be having, do share your thoughts on how you’ve slayed this dragon! Thank you for reading.
2015 has come to an end, it has been an amazing year! Not that I achieved all I hoped for, I didn’t, rather it is because of the fabulous lessons I learned which have opened my eyes to limitless possibilities. The last 2 years had me all gung ho about authenticity, it was even the subject of the last brunch. Going deeper into that lesson I uncovered some traits that restrict my progress on that journey.
1) Perfectionism is the Enemy of Good.
I discovered it was this trait that held me back from unpublished posts and many unattempted or unfinished tasks. It told me what I wanted to share or speak about wasn’t quite ready, it could be better. It suggested I hold on until an undefined time which really was, never. Perfectionism is linked to inauthenticity. It is the fear that a part of you will be rejected because it is less than perfect. Oftentimes the lesson is in the message and it speaks loud and clear; it really doesn’t require flowery words or embellishments for its meaning to be heard. As a creative person, I cannot afford to be hindered by that. Creativity hasn’t got a scale as the only one who knows when it’s ready is you. So any inner voices claiming it isn’t good enough when you know you’ve done your best are simply misleading you.
2) We Don’t Need Permission
I discovered this trait while journaling. It showed up again when my oldest son and I were preparing the turkey for roasting. Last year we stuffed oranges into the cavity after marinating as we came across a recipe that called for that. The citrus juices burst into the turkey and adds another mouthwatering layer of flavour. This year I forgot to buy oranges but we had apples yet when Aaron suggested we put whole apples in, I felt the need to confer with Google and check if it is the ‘done thing’. At times when writing or designing I stall because what I’m about to present is uncommon, hasn’t been done or said before and I feel it’s too lonely a road to throw it out there and walk by myself. I learned this year that we are uniquely created and we all have original ideas and creative expressions. It is a sign of inauthenticity if you try to make your creativity appeal to everyone, rather than simply letting the truth of what it is flow out naturally.
3) Stop Seeking Approval
Similar to the above, this happens after you’ve shared your thoughts or creation. You wait holding your breath, praying you are celebrated and recognised. A sign that you don’t have confidence in the uniqueness of your own gift. A common way this shows up is in judging your work by how many likes on Facebook or retweets on Twitter you get.
4) Feed your Soul
I recognised and honoured my soul’s yearning to be contained in a beautiful space. Not only do I need to look after my body so it is healthy and beautiful, I also need to make sure my environment feeds my soul. I need to live in a beautiful and inspiring space. Anything that does not serve that purpose is being tossed out as I come across them. I have some interior design projects lined up for my home For some that may extend to unhealthy relationships that drain, TV programs you watch or even your place of work.
5) Practice Alignment
Another huge lesson I learned (still very much in progress) is alignment. I’ll be sharing that in due course, but for now I’ll say this; for there to be order in my life, my spirit must be connected to God, where it receives the desires of the Holy Spirit, my soul is then given those desires which is where the believing and the feeling and the imagination goes on, as well as the exercising of the will, the soul then tells the body to carry out the required action. We face internal and external conflict when all three are misaligned, working towards different goals or when the hierarchy is disturbed. A very simplistic example is this. You have been gifted with a heart that cares about social injustice. But you harbour hatred towards other races or classes.
6) Renew your mind
I learned to change the way I think. Having battled with unsavoury thoughts like we all do, from fear and anxiety to discouragement and mental exhaustion, I found out that it is futile to address each individual thought. We process millions of thoughts daily from a myriad of sources, it is impossible to sit with each one to dissect and throw out the bad and embrace the good. Since the mind is the seat of our thoughts, how about we work on it instead? A scripture verse says renew your minds. That’s what I’ve been doing. Regular cleansing and renewing of the mind makes it harder for unsavoury thoughts to sneak in unnoticed.
I’ll share more lessons over the coming months as I learn them. The posts are divided into Spirit, Soul & Body and I tend to share lessons I have learned personally, not through books I have read- unless specified.
I hope your year has been fabulous- the fact that you’re alive reading this means that it was, for if we have no life there is no hope of things ever changing or getting better. If 2015 was your annus horibbilis, you are alive to learnlessons the pain brought with it, and use them as guiding principles in the coming year.
This year, I plan on staying open to lessons of life hidden in our day to day experiences. I won’t have resolutions per se, rather I’ll be sticking with guiding principles to help me navigate my way. I send you lots of love and encouragement to finish this year resolving to unearth your own traits and tools as opposed to searching everywhere else but inside you.
How about you? What lessons did you learn this year? Do you set resolutions or just go with the flow?
I got inspired to share this after I took on a project that wasn’t a good fit for me. It was a simple project that was worth my while only if I set boundaries on just how far it stretched. A bit like someone offering you £50 to drop off their child at school as you drop off yours, a one off event that doesn’t take you off course, but then they overstep their boundaries by later asking you to also collect the child and take said child home. You know you’re not a child minder but it’s a small task that you can fit in. You just didn’t bargain for added tasks and you can of course say no.
I found myself complaining about the project, even though I knew fully well what I was getting into. It was similar to a friend’s job situation. She needed a job desperately and took the first one she was offered to meet her immediate needs. Her plan was to leave after a few months as soon as she was back on her feet but 3 years later she is still there. And she spends a lot of time hating and moaning about the job, from the salary to her boss and the actual work at hand.
Here are the lessons I gleaned from both our stories:
1) People are entitled to make any offers or requests, they have a right to pay what ever they feel like for a role, you reserve the right to turndown the offer and move on.
2) Should you decide to take up the offer because of a single benefit in the grand scheme of things, for instance out of the 10 slices of the cake only one is palatable to you, don’t give your time and energy towards complaining about the other 9 that don’t serve your purpose. That is not why you took on the job. You did not accept the job because you wanted a good boss in your life, you accepted it because of an immediate financial need. Focus on making sure your slice meets that need while you work your plan for something better.
3) Set boundaries and stick to it. Your boundaries may be tasks, time or how much of yourself you’re prepared to give up. Don’t get comfortable and lazy thereby forgetting this was a temporal fix to a pressing need. Don’t try to fit your dreams or your tastebuds around the other 9 slices you are not there for.
4) listen to your soul. If your soul is unhappy, you may have overstayed your welcome. Move on. Dedicate your energy towards getting out as quickly as you can rather than trying to force your soul to be happy.
If you’re in a situation you’re unhappy with take some quiet time to evaluate why and how you got there. No longer serving your needs? It’s time to move on. It’s just one life.
Last Saturday 24 beautiful minds gathered together in the Viceroy suite of the Grosvenor Hotel for a hearty brunch and life-changing conversation. Fun, food and friendship flowed freely, and when it was time for us to leave, no one wanted to!
As we introduced ourselves, it turned out the room was filled with amazing stories of transition, life changes, and growth. We were blessed with the most relaxing and beautiful music by Rachel Yvonne & Rajiv Perseedoss. It was in this intimate setting that I also shared a journey I began 2 years ago.
I sat down to write my goals for the coming year when I received a single word in my spirit, authenticity. It bothered me and I didn’t fancy my grandiose goals being distilled into a single tired, overused word. But I took on the challenge and ran with it, starting with understanding the meaning of the word which is being true to one’s own character, personality, and spirit. This meant I first had to find out who I really was, love everything about me and then strip off the layers that hid the original me so I would at least know what I was being true to. On this journey I discovered that we are all swaddled with layers that conceal our individuality; the layers can be viewed as positive like wealth, prestige or titles, they can also be perceived as negative like the suffering of abuse, poverty or disability. The list of possible layers is endless. It is your responsibility to find out what layers cloak you, and peel them off.
I believe that we are like jigsaw puzzles on earth, looking for our coordinating pieces. When you try to force a piece that does not fit, you end up with friction and dissatisfaction. This is shown in relationships that are tumultuous and can apply to business, platonic as well as romantic relationships. Perhaps it’s a job that you are unhappy with yet have chosen to remain in. The removal of layers is vital if your connections are going to recognize you and pick you out from a crowd of other pieces. It is also worth noting that we are not meant to connect with everyone. There will be people that you feel are a good match for you but in reality they don’t feel that way. And that’s okay.
The removal of layers, the becoming of an authentic man or woman will give you the confidence to live freely and with purpose. It will enable you to connect with humanity and give of the love that you have, for when all is said and done, all that really matters is love. Love for God, love for your neighbour.
Daily practice for authenticity
1) Intention. In everything you do, think or say, get into the habit of identifying your true intention. You may be able to fool others into seeing you in a particular light, but what exactly is the point in that? I have caught myself commenting on issues I have no real interest in for the sole purpose of wanting to appear wise to the listeners. Our intention should be as pure as humanly possible
2) Clarity of purpose. Be clear about your purpose. Purpose is not your career. Your career should be a platform to live out, or at the very least lead you towards living your purpose. We must know the reason we were created, and spend the rest of our life living for that reason. Purpose, like success, is not a destination we aim to arrive at, rather it’s a lifestyle we choose to embrace.
3) Declutter your mind. This is a practice that helps with clarity and intention. Thanks to social media our minds are stuffed daily with information about who we are supposed to be and what we are supposed to do. Practice digging deep for solutions rather than running to others. Inside you is everything you need to live a fulfilling life, don’t allow the noise to drown your truth.
4) Honesty with yourself. Like the serenity prayer, practice changing the things you can and accepting the things you can’t.
5) Rewrite your story literally, with a pen and paper. No one really enjoys hearing a sob story, how about you rewrite your past, take the instances you are ashamed to talk about and leave out the painful or gory details? Don’t embellish, lie or exaggerate just rewrite it from a positive stance. If there’s one thing to take away, this is it!
Our next Brunch will be held in March 2016, date and venue to be confirmed. We will have a conversation over food on how culture affects us in business. More on that later 🙂
On the subject of authenticity, I’ll leave you with India arie’s song, video.
“The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.”Deuteronomy 28:13 NIV
It’s no secret that what happens in the physical is simply a reflection of what has already occurred spiritually. Your mind plays an important role in bringing it to manifestation. If you believe it you shall receive it.
Often however we don’t believe it, at least our actions say we don’t. For example if you own a business and you’re always looking up at larger competitors and seeing yourself as beneath them, it means you believe you’re the tail and not the head. Therefore you’d always be their tail.
I used to shadow a larger competitor and follow their every move. Everything they did, I felt I must do as well in order to be successful. I didn’t realize it at the time out I had put them up there as the head, and me, the tail. The follower. I looked up to them and never imagined the possibility of growing to that size or even bigger.
Last year I had the opportunity to work with a top British brand. I got to see behind the scenes of this multi-million pound company. I discovered they were just as human as us, when you strip away the branding, the revenue and all the layers that define them. Yes they are successful, and we acknowledge and recognize that, but it is important not to label others the head when God has said you’re the head and not the tail. Believe and act like the head. The head leads. The head follows boldly its own ideas. The head does not need permission from anyone to carry out its plan.
The moment you start to act like the tail, you will remain the tail.